Secondary education: teenage hell.

Soundtrack.


I went to a different school for my secondary education, but my problem with English remained still.

I simply understood nothing in my English classes. My teacher in 1st of ESO, Inma, tried to explain everything in English and there was no way for me to understand her. It was like she was speak Chinese, for the matter. I told her so, que no la entendía, but she tried, and tried, and tried - no results. I am not sure how I managed to pass the subject.

It was frustrating, though, and the only way for me to cope with that was to make fun of myself. Hannah Gadsby talked about that in her show Nannette (do watch it, it's on Netflix. Fantastic show) - she called it self-deprecating humor i.e. to make fun of oneself. That's how I managed the shame I felt for not being able to speak nor understand English.

In 2nd of ESO, I failed English.

In 3rd of ESO, they divided the English class in two groups: upper-intermediate and lower-intermediate. Or as we understood it, los listos y los tontos. I was in the lower-intermediate one, obviously, together with a couple of friends, and we would joke about how stupid we were for being in inglés de tontos. What I terrible thing to joke about. Classes should never be divided into the 'tontos' ones and the 'listos' ones. Never. No matter which euphemism teacher use to hide it - students will always understand it that way, because that is the way teachers treated us.

3rd of ESO was terrible for me, for personal reasons. I shouldn't to turn this blog into a melodramatic teenager drama (even though I'd LOVE it) so I will just list a couple of teenage bullshit I had to go through:

• Friends' arguments
• Decaffeinated bullying. 
• Family troubles (I just gone through my emo phase) 
• Mum with cancer 
• Coming out year. 
• Not corresponded love. 
• Teeange bullshit. 
• Teenage bullshit.
• And more teenage bullshit. 
• I could be listing for hours.

I definitely did not have a good year. I was pretty fucking depressed. I drank a lot, started smoking, did drugs, had arguments with friends and family, failed 10 subjects... teenage angst, The Catcher in the Rye kind of thing, you know what I mean.

The thing is that I was a teenage boy in a difficult moment and it affected A LOT my classes. Going to class was like hell because I felt the most stupid person on Earth - 10 subjects failed in the first term, personal record. If a year ago I was not confident about my English skills, now I was not confident about any of my intellectual skills. Nor social. Nor physical. Well, I wasn't feeling confident at all.

After my spectacular failing during the first term, I decided to put my shit together and do some study. Study a lot, read a lot, take it seriously - I did not want to become a repetidor, with all the terrible consequences that name has.

During that year I had two English teachers: one the first term, Mercedes; Lola, during the rest of the course.

Let us talk about Mercedes first. My 15-years-old me would say she was a bitch, now I'd rather not to say anything. She seemed nice, understanding, and kind. She really did. She would help me read the book we had to read in class and tell me things like "I know you are trying, Fernando, no worries". She really seemed understanding, and that was comforting - it was nice to have somebody acknowledging your efforts and difficulties. However, in her report to my tutor, which my tutor read in front of my mother and a very I-failed-10-subjects depressed Fernando, she wrote things like "No hace nada, ley del mínimo esfuerzo".

You can imagine now why the 15-years-old Fernando would say she was a bitch. Now I don't think so at all, for sure - she was probably right and on her right to write something like that. But it felt like a betrayal, though.

Lola, however, not only seemed understanding but also was understanding. She was a good teacher because she was a good person, and cared for us. I remember I was crying in one of the breaks (for teenager reasons. See list above, pick one) and she took a moment to ask me if anything was wrong, and that I could talk to her if I needed. She helped a lot - with both my teenage shit and my English learning problems. I tried really hard to pass English that year, and I did, thanks to Lola.

That's actually the kind of teacher I want to be, really. I don't care about English. I am much more worried to be that person they can talk to when they feel they are diving in teenage shit. I don't remember much about Lola's English classes - but helped a lot with my problems, which most of the time is what most impede us from learning. I guess. 

In 4th of ESO I decided I wanted to learn English. Starkly as that. I was going to learn fucking English. I didn't care much about passing, that was something I could do by studying. No, I wanted to learn. I think that was my emancipatory moment.

I started watching tv shows in English (first one: SKINS, the British version. What a teenage show), reading songs lyrics, taking extra classes. I did not advanced much, to be honest. In fact, I think I almost failed that year.

But something had changed within me. The path towards my current me was taken. I could not go back.